Women – Another Year (2018 Review)

Here we go again lads! It’s that time of year when your humble narrator secludes himself, swallows nootropic drugs and tries his very best to catch up on all the writing projects he’s pondered over the last year. I had a few in mind but it don’t look like they’re getting published anytime soon. I dunno what it is but over the last couple of years my creativity has been dwindling a bit. Aint got the flow I once had, aint finding it as fun as I used to and I often find myself forcing myself to these because my life is structures on setting goals and deadlines, achieving them, learning from the experience, rinse and repeat. But anyway, my yearly reviews are something I think I’ll never stop writing, even if you stop reading and I forget to pay the fee for the domain name for the site I’ll still have the fire to review my year so I can read back and see how my views and experiences shape the person I’ve become. I also aint written another ‘Women’ themed blog before… If you’ve not read any of the series before, start from the beginning then lead up to this one. So the following is my memoir of what was a year so jam packed with excitement I experienced genuine fatigue. So as much as this yearly retrospective is mostly about the adventures, parties, benders, globe trotting and existentialism I’m mainly focusing on the women that I’ve befriended, inspired me, fucked and of course mugged me off. Here we go.

 

 

I started the year with a month of sobriety due not just to the excess of the festive period but also to see if I could. It’s become quite common for me now to question my drinking habits and more so my behavior when pissed. Far too many anxious hangovers from black out benders wondering what version of myself showed up at the party the night before is always worth some time of sober reflection. Despite this however I still found that mornings after social events were still filled with dread and anxiety over the show that I’d put on the night previous. As the end of January approached I learnt to accept that maybe I am just a cunt whether I have a drink in my hand of not and I was fine with this. I kept myself dry and level all the way until the Berlin Beano at the start of February where I started a bender that is still technically on going.

 

After the amount of fun I had organising a UK takeover in Berlin last year I was sold on the idea of doing it all again, this time though with a proper venue and investment on a drawing line up and despite a few creative differences between me and Phil the organisation of the party was again a lot of fun.

I had a solid lineup of mates as well as Chris Liberator, Jerome Hill and End.User as headliners. The venue was ideal and we’d done enough promo to get the name out. And though we took a loss on the door and I somehow took a loss whilst dealing the gear the night was considered a success by all. If there was only one thing that I’d change it was that there weren’t as many crew that came along for the ride as there was last year. If our previous party was simply a mates Beano in Berlin then this was me putting on a legitimate party and I wish there was more mates around to see that.

 

The success of Berlin ignited a spark in me. All of a sudden I felt like I was on a run of form both creatively and personally. Over the next month Modey and I produced and shot a mock stand up special of me live at the Bedford working mens club. The concept being me telling a load of old jokes from the likes of Mike Reid, Chubby Brown and Bernard Manning and convert it to VHS to make it look like it was taped in the early 90’s. The idea being that when you filter out the racist, sexist and homophobic jokes from these comedians of old theres still some pretty funny shit in there. We had the final recording broadcast on Bangface TV and when posted online it was well received. We were both happy with it and I enjoyed the process of going up to Bedford and hanging out with Modey making it.

I found myself writing for enjoyment again, releasing my Sexual Manifesto as part of my 27 club series. I also managed to write drafts for 2 other ideas that I was hoping to complete whilst on my travels, at time of writing I still aint written my BOOM memoir, but as the year drove on I found I have struggled with writing. What was once a therapeutic hobby has now become something that I find myself doing just because I think I should and that’s something I hope sorts itself out soon.

 

So as my big adventure was approaching I found that I was on the roll of a life time, Bangface Weekender had been another classic, I’d crushed my first open mic, I cycled to Nottingham and I even laid out my feelings and settled a few scores with old friends, some of which were ghosts that had been haunting me for some time, there was just one more demon that was to plague my thoughts over the ensuing months and that was of course the brooding inevitability of a bird I liked mugging me off…

 

 

If you remember last years entry I befriended a bird by the name of Pippa who I had such a fun summer with I gave her the newly introduced ‘best newcomer’ award. I guess if you’re not up to date go and read that one now and then you’ll have an idea of who I’m on about. After Pippa had left at the end of last year to go live in a mystical time zone, we kept in touch quite regularly, chatting at least once a week and skyping at least once a month. There was sometimes talk of me visiting one day and I did always have this in mind, but never really brought it up again as I was focusing on my Berlin party and my travels later that year, I did however start to notice that she also never mentioned it again but didn’t think too much of it. Then when I realised that I probably could sneak in a week out there to see her before I went off to Asia I asked her if I could stop over. Then a couple of days after her telling me she’d think about it I received a whatsapp voicemail telling me how over the last couple of months she’d shacked up with the fella she was staying with and how a visit from me probably wouldn’t be appropriate because of this…

 

Now though I accept that Pippa and I were never ‘partners’ as it were, as far as I was aware we were still running a non platonic friendship under the basics of non-monogamy and considering that I’d told her about every other person that I’d slept with and dated up until that point for her to suddenly drop this on me was a kick in the bollocks. Things then got worse as her reasonings went from bad terrible, the pretty feeble ‘I got so used to keeping it a secret I just didn’t tell you’ to the absolute amateur excuse of ‘you never asked’ that I’ve had dropped on me before. But I guess what upset me the most was that of all of a sudden I went from the rare position of having a woman in my life where I never found myself questioning what our relationship was because it never felt like we needed and from where I was sitting everything seemed cool and we both appeared to be in agreement of that. If anything I became mindful that she actually displayed no red flags at all, it was only after that 2 minutes of audio she displayed the most crimson flag of them all. I was completely disposable to her.

 

The event itself infuriated me, so much so that I ended up temporarily blanket blocking her on all formats of social media out of fear that I was going to end up sending her a torrent of abuse in the midst of the ensuing bender that was inevitably going to get me through this all to familiar carnival of thoughts in my head to do with this bird. On reflection both the anger and my actions were more dramatic then they should have been and I definitely lost a load of cool points from them but I was upset. This is what happens when blokes are encouraged to let there feelings out, we act like fucking pussies.

 

It weren’t just that she’d neglected to tell me about this secret affair of hers because I thought our boundaries of non-monogamy negated that she should, it was more the fact that I thought we were mates and that we were tight enough to talk about things like this with each other. Even if we were platonic friends I’d have been upset she kept this from me. I couldn’t quite understand why she’d keep such a secret, like I say we spoke quite frequently, everytime the question of ‘hows it going, what you been up to?’ was raised how had ‘oh btw I’m having a secret affair with the bloke I told you I was going to come out here to live with’ ever not come up? If anything the only thought that crossed my mind as to why she’d stopped asking about a potential visit was because I thought she embarrassed by me. There she was living up with these deeply pias and pure people only to have some obnoxious Londoner with an alcoholic death rattle, who talked in slurs come bowling in for a holiday.

 

The following week we tried to patch things up. She did drop a couple of bombshells on me which I cant deny were pretty cunty of me. Firstly that I never acted interested in what she had to say and that I’d usually only ever compliment her looks wise. What was damming about these was that I was aware that I did this, I didn’t like that I did this, I never treated any other bird I had on the go like this because I was conscious that you should always look past things like physicality with all women and not just with bra burning, angry feminists such as Pippa, and also I couldn’t understand why I did this as she was actually one of the coolest and most interesting people I knew. The fact that she was hot as shit was very much secondary to me. I do regret if I made her feel bad from acting this way because she deserved better, but I don’t dwell on it too much because I think regardless even if id have tried harder the end result would have still been the same. If I have any real regret it’s that I didn’t mug her off there and then, partly because it would have saved me from just winding her up over the next few months and also because it would have lifted a weight that hung over me for my whole trip. Instead I decided to try and keep things going and see how we got on once we met in person again. I fooled myself by thinking she’d stay committed to the BOOM ticket I bought her. Using it as the acid test of whether she still had any interest in me. When she told me she couldn’t come to that I knew our next meeting was going to be her telling me she didn’t want to hang out no more. I was left wondering how rather then if she was going to do it. I gave her a couple of texts letting her know I was going to be back in the country and that it be nice to her, then when I was waking up on my first morning back in the country she let me know by text. After a couple of minutes of frustration I realised I didn’t really care anymore. She’d clearly had her mind made up a long time ago there was no point in arguing with her about anything.

 

It was a facebook comment I made in a benzo and booze enduce black out I had whilst me and Paya wasted time in a Irish bar in Madrid. I’d bitten to some clickbait feminist article she’d posted about how bad men were at relationships and said how I felt women in general were mostly fickle. I do find it pretty funny that it was such a comment that made her not want to be my friend no more and I regret not pointing out this irony at the time for comedic effect. On top of that I was too much of an obnoxious, apathetic, drunk which to her credit is a fair assessment of me, there was also a load of other rhetoric in there I didn’t quite understand but was sure I didn’t agree with it.

 

I’ll wrap this up as I’m devoting far too much time on something in what is probably going to be a pretty long entry so my final thoughts on the whole thing are that though I can totally understand why the novelty of the Lahm Powder experience finally wore off on Pippa I do find it quite sad that we’ll never be friends. Don’t get me wrong I’d happily go for a drink with her if she asked me out the blue, I aint going to let a silly thing like difference of personality get in the way of being mates with someone. It’s just now highly unlikely as she blanket blocked me from social media and I lost her number when changing phones recently and she’s probably off on some adventure now anyway and regardless I’m pretty sure she just see’s me as a bit of a clown as it is, why would she care what I’m up to? So I guess in the grand scheme of things what saddens me is that our brief friendship with each other will just be an insignificant blur to both of us as time goes on. If I’m totally honest though I had no want, need or expectation for our relationship to be anymore then what it was, whatever that fondness was Pippa and I had for each other I enjoyed it and I kind of wish it lasted longer then 5 minutes… But anyway, I’ve chewed enough meat off this bone…. Fuck it dude lets go bowling.

 

So yea what was probably the most notable part of my year was the 4 months I spent in Asia. I’d booked a flight to Shanghai on a whim and knew enough people on the continent to plan my trip around and go visit. I did have a vague plan of writing a diary for the entire trip but it all kind of blurs into one when I think about it so I guess this is kind of like a highlight reel of my trip. It’s pretty long so if you think you’ve heard it all before or you’re just not arsed skip down a few paragraphs…

 

I’d arrived in Shanghai on the back end of a bender having had no sleep, jet lagged, hung over and comedown. I didn’t know where my hostel was, I’d not charged my phone, I didn’t even know what the exchange rate was. I’ll say this straight off, China is cool but it’s quite hard work. People mostly don’t speak English, it can be pretty expensive and like anything you have no perception of just how big the cunt is until you try and travel around it. My only plan was to travel south to Nanning so that I could get a train to Hanoi and hang out with Liz for our Birthdays. Aside from the main attractions I hadn’t looked fuck all into what to do in China but accepted this as part of the adventure. If I was to do it again I’d definitely put more effort into finding places to explore. As it was I only had 3 weeks there so just having a look around some of the famous sights made sense.

 

Shanghai had some amazing architecture but was expensive as shit. I almost got scammed in the street at one point by a pretty bird who stopped me to ask where I was from, when she heard I was from London she asked if I wanted to go for a beer. I was sweaty from a full afternoons walking in humid city air, was wearing a tatty football shirt and generally exhausted, why did this bird want to go for a drink with me? The night before I was nearly mugged by sex workers coming out of a bar, so I just assumed she was playing the long game, I then felt bad for thinking this as its not totally unlikely she was just being friendly. These feelings were quashed however as later that evening when wondering down the same street a different bird the same spiel on me but even more half arsed. I later heard from a friend that it was a common scam, I then started to question the intentions of my tinder date later that night especially when a mate of mine suggested that she could potentially be eying up my organs for the black market. I made it clear to my date later that I was heavy drinking smoker and cut the date short anyway as I was tired and was going to Beijing the following day.

 

Travelling the high speed trains was exciting but costly as I hadn’t booked far in advance, I also fell foul to them being sold out for days on end often due to relentless public holidays the country has. You do get a good idea of the landscape of the country from such way of getting around it though. One of my favorite sites being a huge dystopian, residential city with identical high-rise flats stretching as far as the eye could see into the smoggy orange, sunset. Other highlights of China were trekking the Great Wall in the snow, the food and pandas in Chengdu and the muslim quarter of Xian, though I didn’t care too much for the Terracotta warriors…

 

What became clear quite quickly was how China weren’t your average back packer destination. Though the hostels were all good most of the tourism is Chinese so befriending people could be difficult. Sometimes I noticed days would go by where I hadn’t made any significant communication with another human being, until one morning in Guilin when a woman sat next to me on a bus on the way to a rice paddy and after getting chatting we realised we were from the same area of London as each other. I have lived all over London since being an adult and have never met anyone from the same south London town as me, but there sat on a bus in China was someone who grew up just a matter of streets from where I did and straight away Grace became the first friend I made whilst travelling.

 

We ended up spending the next couple of days taking the beautiful scenery of Guilin, shooting shit on life, art and of course our relationships. I told her about the ongoing situation with Pippa and how at that time I was just beginning to realize that the whole situation was more hassle then its worth, she then confided with me her current situation with her partner and I wont the lie this did get me thinking ‘sounds like someone needs to have an affair’ but as we spent more time together the chance of any advance from me started to dwindle, especially when she told me that she often regrets her one night stands. I’d enjoyed our time so much together that I’d hate to have something stupid like a one night stand ruin that, also things weren’t quite figured out with her partner at that point and I didn’t want to be the cunt who finished that off. We did end up meeting up again Cambodia funnily enough, but ill get to that later. Overall she was a pretty cool, talented bird who’d had some pretty good stories to tell and was great company at a time when I was starting to feel a bit lonely. I hope to keep in touch with her.

 

After China I was due in Hanoi to spend some over due time with my old friend Liz. Both our birthdays fall a day next to each other so it was ideal that we celebrate it together. Liz however confused my arrival date and had booked a trip to Hong Kong leaving me with a week to myself, but had planned to come back for our planned birthday celebrations so was fine. On my first night in the city I went to a 24 hour bar to watch the football, here I befriended a Canadian geezer who smoked a joint with me. Immediately I couldn’t believe how cheap the beer was., when I returned to my hostel the bar sold huge medical grade nos for only a couple of quid… I knew I was going to like it here.

 

I got linked up to a mutual Hardcrew friend who’d been in the city for a few years teaching… infact a lot of the city appeared to be made up of expats teaching English, due the high paying nature, short hours and low cost of living I could totally understand the appeal of such a lifestyle. The friends I made over those first few days made me feel very welcome in the city and in fact it inspired me to maybe even put on my own UK takeover out there. There’s already enough DJ’s out there who’d be up for playing it.

 

With a few days left until Liz returned I went to Cat Ba Island to see Halong Bay. I ended up befriending a couple of Geordie lads and 2 absolutely wonderful Swiss girls. One of which I did try and crack on to, but my terrible grasp of the English language was a factor in my seduction. This has been a problem in the past and can often get in the way of making friends with foreign language speakers. It’s not until I meet someone who can actually speak English and not my bastardised dialect spoken at twice the speed it should that I realise how ridiculous I sound. Funnily enough that bird ended up being hosted by my parents when she got in touch with me to ask for recommendations when travelling Ireland. The 2 of them also sent a very sweet message of them singing Happy Birthday to me on my birthday…. Which was nice.

 

 

When it came to seducing women whilst traveling there were always several typical factors at play. Well firstly I hadn’t really packed for that kind of trip. I’d not really gone out there with the intention of shagging around, I’d not packed any hooker money that’s for sure. But what I did find was a regular occurrence would be meeting someone that I got on well with, then realising that our future plans involved the two of us travelling in the opposite direction to each other the following day. The worse case of such was some banjo wielding hillbillies I befriended during a power cut. One of the women, a sister of the couple was a bit of me. Rough southern accent, nice amount of meat on her, foul mouthed, dark sense of humour and she could sing bluegrass for Christ sake… Whats more she seemed as much into me as I was into her, only problem was she was leaving to go in literally the opposite direction of the continent I was heading in the next day… You wouldn’t believe how frequently this happened.

 

My time spent with Liz was one of the fondest I had of my trip…. It actually ended up being longer then expected as due to some confusion crossing the border by land I hadn’t got the full months visa and had to send off for an extension, a situation that ended up with me rushing through the country more then id have liked to, but in the end it was great to spend some time with a woman I always knew would end up doing great things. Liz had spend that last 4 year in Hanoi, after many years before that travelling around the world. She was filled with endless hilarious anecdotes of her antics as a bar crawl organizer in Cambodia and as her time blagging it in teaching to the point where she was now a manager, kicking arse and absolutely bawling. We had many great chats about life, how we got where are, where we planned to go. Our relationships, language, sex, drugs, films, culture, life living in a completely foreign land to the one you grew up in… Liz communicates in a very engaging way, with a charm and wit unlike anyone else I know and her autonomy and confidence appears to be of such clarity to her and her stance of genuinely not needing a man in her life to be happy is something that I’ve never truly seen in any other woman her age. She was a wonderful host who thoroughly entertained me when she could fit me into her busy work schedule.

 

One evening towards the end of my stay I sat by the lake that her bawling apartment looked out on and watched the sunset whilst enjoying a beer and a sandwich ‘I could get used to this’ I thought. I got to give it to her, Liz had done very well. I’m very proud to have her as a friend and I look forward to seeing where her next adventure takes her.

 

Like I say a lot of Vietnam was a blur as it was so rushed and often so alcohol fuelled. I’d made a plan to hook up with a geezer I’d met at BOOM years before who’d been teaching down in Saigon. Before our arranged meet up I’d spent time taking in the war museums, visited the jungle where Vietcong thought the yanks and fired an AK-47 which was pretty cool. During my time in that humid, dense jungle exploring the tunnels and reading about the mentality of Vietnamese people during the war it made me wonder what exactly were the Americans thinking when they took on the vanity project of trying to stop this apparent non existent threat of communism? How did they ever think they’d win in an environment like this? And with the amount of money spent and lives lost and wounded on both sides why is it not discussed as a complete political catastrophe more? After all that thinking I needed to get drunk and luckily Loz was just the bloke to do that with…

 

He’d turned up to my hostel with a Northern Irish number, well she described herself as being ‘From the North of Ireland’ and was indeed a harden republican from a farm in the middle of nowhere. After sheltering from the pissing rain for 2 hours we set out a plan to get on the piss, I said I didn’t mind what we did aslong as we ended up watching the FA cup final where Chelsea were set to play Man United. It then only took a couple of drinks before the talks of the 3 of us having a threesome surfaced and then that became the theme for the rest of the evening. The 3 of us goy along famously over the course of the night, drunkenly driving around on Loz’s moped often crashing and then bursting into fits of laughter. I kept reasoning with Loz that ‘if you weren’t game for this 3 way then why would she still be hanging out with us?’ But as the beer started to turn to whiskey and as I screamed the house down as Chelsea lifted the FA cup, Loz suggested a a pay by the hour hotel near by we could end the night at. So as we made one final suggestion to our republican North of the river lady friend, her reply was one enough to de rail any train on it’s way to threesomevile ‘Ahhh actually I’m pretty pissed and kind of tired… I think I just want to go home’…. That was the end of that then.

 

Next up on the agenda was Cambodia. Now of all the countries on my list this was the one I had the most fascination with. Most notably is horrific recent history and also that I had heard that it was a mostly lawless Wild West vibe of a country. Where parties and drugs were easy to come by and the beers were cheap and the people were lovely. Probably worth noting I’d arrived in low season what with the impending rainy months so most places were a lot more quiet then usual. I started off in the capital of Phnom Penh where I was keen to go have a look at the killing fields and wonder the genocide museum – a former school turned torture prison during Khmer Rouge. What struck me immediately was that city itself was a lot more developed then I expected. Lots of high rise buildings and construction that looked like it been there a while and not just another example of the imperialist Chinese business influence I was to see so many examples of… Though I’m sure they were.

 

I’d started reading the book ‘First They Killed My Father’ a recommendation from Liz that is apparently one of those books everyone should read before visiting Cambodia. A memoir from a woman’s first hand perspective of the Khmer Rouge and her time as a child soldier during that period… Very depressing and sad read, especially so when you’re trying to eat your salmon on toast of a morning. The tours of the killing fields and genocide museum themselves were also exceptionally harrowing. I wouldn’t recommend doing them in one day. Apparently the genocide museum only as of the last 10 years had been cleaned up for tourists and before was just left as it was, blood and shit smeared everywhere for people to see. Though it’s had a bit of a mop since, there’s still a few stains on the floor that cant be washed. Apparently there were less then a dozen survivors of the prison and as I finished the tour and looked at the gift shop there was one of the survivors selling his book! One of the very few old Cambodian people I saw whilst visiting the country and there he was flogging his art book at the place where he’d spent time having god knows what done to him… What do you say to someone like that? Whats you’re opening gambit?

 

In contrast to Vietnam Cambodia is still very much recovering from it’s destructive past, the lack of older generations is very evident and the more senior people I did see were all very short due to malnutrition when they were younger. Even in terms of education the country is suffering. In one village I stayed in the local pharmacy was run by a history lecturer from a local college. The logic being that because he had some sort of degree he must therefore be qualified to run the pharmacy. As mentioned before the country is a hotbed of chinese investment, but what good this is doing for the local economy can be summed up by hearing the racist vitiral towards them from local business owners and cab drivers. Ashame for a country where the genuine warmth and friendliness of it’s people were indeed a highlight.

 

I had a couple of fun nights in the capital city, most notably getting chatting to a Swedish geezer in a bar where you could buy spliffs with your beer. He was infact one of the most interesting people I was to meet on my travels and gave me a bit of a low down on the seedy underworld that can easily be accessed if you know the right people in the city. Then I also had a tinder date with this American bird who’d been living there 4 years and could speak fluent Khmer. But I cut my stay short when I got back in touch with Grace, whom had landed in the northern city Siem Reap to meet her boyfriend. We made arrangements to meet up but she then dropped that both she and her boyfriend had now indeed broken up but not to worry as they were both cool…. Aware I could be walking into a toxic environment I booked myself a bus and within 6 hours I was there.

 

Grace’s now ex boyfriend Ben turned out to indeed be a sound bloke who was staying in Cambodia at his brothers bar in the southern village of Otres. Somewhere that I then struck down on my list as a place to hang out later on. The two of them would wonder the temples of Angkor Wat by day then the 3 of us would meet up at night to get pissed. I did go on one of my favorite hostel adventures during my stay here. A long motorbike ride through a national park where tourist dare not venture, the roads were uneven and our mopeds were not suitable for that kind of terrain. We got lost, swam under waterfalls and each one of us experienced issues with our bikes. But it was a great day out. That night I watched the champions league final in the drinking streets with a huge crowd of locals with a Khmer commentator shouting loudly over the game. Exhausted from my adventure that day though, I went to bed at half time and missed Gareth Bale’s greatest goal ever scored… Never mind.

 

Before leaving for Otres of course I felt I was duty bound to visit one of the natural wonders that is Angkor Watt. A series of ancient temples the size of a city to the north of the city. Tickets can vary from anything from a day pass to a week long pass. Though I could respect that what I saw was indeed very impressive, I found myself very much templed out by the end of the morning and felt I had seen enough.

 

Otres was one of my favorite places in Cambodia, again with it being low season it was almost dead, in fact it was dead, so much so I wondered how businesses sustained such a low season. On the Tuk –tuk in I befriended 2 lovely French nurses, both of whom were going to BOOM, I took their details and went drinking with them over the next few nights. I booked myself a marvelous hostel called Hascienda right opposite the bar that Ben was staying in that his brothers owned. During my entire stay it appeared to be just me and this hilarious old Aussie bloke staying at the hostel… I guess this must have been the place.

 

One of the things that sums up my tour of SE Asia would be one of my days spent on Otres beach with Ben and these 2 gorgeous French birds. We played drinking games, laughed, got pissed, had a wonderful afternoon then went for a dip in the milky warm sea. As the sun was setting creating a breath taking scene of national geographic proportions I thought allowed ‘I have done nothing to deserve this!’… and kind of resonates with me to this day. My trip was never really a long term plan that I’d work hard towards to achieve, it was just something I did because I had some money and I was bored. I started to question whether this kind of motive was correct and started to feel whether I was genuinely satisfied.

 

I loved my week in Otres, in fact my only regret was that I didn’t stay longer. Staying up late getting drunk in Ben’s brothers bar, genuinely staying up late getting drunk in all the bars around there. Chatting to all the kooky locals who’d taken up residency and again questioning if it was something that actually appealed to me. Ben summed it up quite nicely, as his reasoning for being out there was to see if the lifestyle suited him to stay a bit longer. To which he concluded that he wasn’t ready to surrender himself to a life of getting drunk and stoned every day, he still had a lot more he wanted to achieve… and I couldn’t agree more.

 

I stayed up drinking with the old Aussie geezer at the hostel till the sun rose on my last day. Another situation where I also found myself chatting to a hot skin head bird who worked one of the bars down the lane. I was in a situation where I was entertaining my elderly Australian friend and aggressively trying to flirt with this girl. I wondered whether I should just mug off my plan of visiting the island of Koh Rong and stay a little bit longer before making a dash to Laos… This was to be my biggest mistake of the trip.

 

The journey to Koh Rong itself was arduous. The boat for it set sale at least 2 hours later then planned and the way there was bumpy to say the least. Now my plan was to book myself in on a secluded beach, do some writing and reading and gather my thoughts in a paradise setting. I arrived on a dock to an island that looked like the morning after the night before a 3 month long party. The atmosphere just seemed tired. I asked an information point how I’d make it to the beach my resort was on. He told me that at this time no boat would taxi me there and that I’d have to walk for atleast 2 hours across the island to make it… This wasn’t a problem as I like the idea of the adventure, which indeed it was. I trekked over mountains, through rivers, battled rabid dogs and crossed rickety bridges. But as I was starting to run out of water and was aware the sun was setting I did start to wonder when exactly I would turn up at this elusive ‘coconut beach’. When I found a sign that claimed I was just 1km from my destination down a long uneven path the sky turned completely black and a monsoon pelted me with such tenacity it stung my face and blurred my vision. Soaking everything in my bag, breaking my phone and destroying some of my charging devices. The weather then did not change for the whole weekend. I was staying in a tent as a way of saving money and spent pretty much the whole weekend staring at the ceiling waiting for the rain to stop. I had nothing to read and the little battery I had on my tablet wouldn’t last long. During the day when the rain turned to drizzle I wondered the monsoon hit beach alone, topless in a pair of my only dry 3 quarter length shorts. I felt like a cast away on a desert island. I never felt so alone.

 

I left Koh Rong feeling like I’d gone through one of the toughest tests I’d ever set myself. I almost felt like I had the onsets of PTSD. Although I was aware it was rainy season, I was assured by people in Otres that the islands had their own micro climates so I was likely due good weather. They were clearly mistaken as on the boat ride back to the main land the skies cleared and the weather turned fine again.

 

I spent the day in the Chinese occupied town of Sihonukville then headed north to spend what would end up to be a week in one of the best hostels I’ve ever stayed in. Where I got blind drunk and watched the start of the world cup in the evening and then battled absolutely debilitating hangovers by morning. Seeing that my money was depleting faster then I expected, I decided against the long trip up through expensive Thailand and instead opted to see Laos.

My stay in Laos was brief but pleasant. Again there is no shortage of beauty on offer in terms of scenery in that country and when I’d reached the capital of Vientiane I hooked up with a connection of an American raving buddy of mine. A geezer who ran his own American style hot wings restaurant ‘Scorpion Wings’ and who had started a family out there almost a decade ago. When I walked into his gaff he was ripping bongs and watching Netflix with his mother behind the counter. Over the next 2 days I was to find out that he’d written, produced and directed his own Laosion movie out there and that he was indeed a lunatic with one of the darkest senses of humor and incredibly morbid stories that kept me entertained for the whole 2 days I spent there. I hope our paths cross again at some point.

 

But it was Vang Vieng was where I had the most amount of fun in Laos. I’d booked myself into a party hostel down one of the 2 main drags that made up the town. Filled mainly full of young British backpackers the hostel offered a whole host of activities to keep it’s guests pissed like free spirits after 7 and of course tubing. The latter of which I was gutted I didn’t go on during my first morning, whilst chatting to random guests it appeared that the entire hostel was going that morning. I booked myself in the following day and spent the following morning and afternoon pissing myself laughing as I split a bottle of whiskey with a new friend of mine flew down the rapids Mekong river with about 50 other shit faced young people, trying to catch the ropes chucked out to us by the bar staff of the establishments that littered the side of the river. Apparently back in the day the activity was a lot more lawless and being able to buy ecstasy and opium from the multiple bars was a lot more common, until one year a record of 20 deaths was recorded and Laos tourist board had to crack down on it. As the trip itself came to an end again and the rapids started to slow and all around me was idyllic mountain scenery again I started to wonder what exactly I had done to deserve being in such a setting.

 

Later that night I went to watch the football with the lads I’d befriended on the tubing trip and I was in awe of just how big their personalities were. I’ve always considered myself as someone who can carry a party or bring up the vibe of a crew of people at a festival but these lads were effortlessly chatting away to everyone, I found myself backing out of getting chiming in on any riffs as I was afraid my input would have dropped like a lead balloon and not been funny. I also watched in amazement as they chatted up birds in a way that was genuinely charming and not cringeworthy like I’d seen so many times before. They were teasing, but making the girls laugh, showing an interest in their personalities, being flirtatious but not too forward. ‘So that’s how it’s done’ I thought to myself.

 

I wish I had seen more of Laos, it’s an incredibly beautiful country with plenty of opportunity to act like a total hedonist. However by this point with all the fleeting friendships I’d made and what with the long bus journeys that even the over the counter benzo’s could only just numb I really did start to miss not having a friend to just turn to and talk to. Meeting new people required performing my entire travelling routine over and over again and everyone I matched with on Tinder was either a local who couldn’t speak much English or an expat who’d usually only be able to give me recommendations – helpful though that was. I needed to hang out with some old time good friends… So I booked myself a bus to Chiang Mai in search for two of my oldest pals… I was going to hang out with Dylan and Alan for a while.

 

Dylan picked me up from Chiang Mai bus station early one morning, despite us not really putting much plan into it other then ‘My bus arrives at this time…’ if it weren’t for a friendly Thai official lending me his phone to give Dylan a call I’d have been wondering around delirious all morning I reckon. We headed back to his and caught up on sleep, but not before I did some Tinder swiping and awoke to a record number of likes… With 2 weeks grounded in a city maybe I was going to actually get some luck?

 

Late that night we met up with Al for a few beers and to watch the World Cup. It had been over a year since I’d even spoken to Alan as he had exiled himself from his life in the UK. But within a few hours we were in a British pub ordering rounds of ladyboys – an Alan Partridge cocktail made up of a gin and tonic, a baileys and a pint of Guinness each to be downed one after the other. As we downed our second round I saw Al’s eyes glaze over and announce ‘oh God I’m pissed’. My living plans were to stay between Alan and Dylans. But mostly at Al’s as he lived in the city centre and was around more, regardless I still hired myself a moped for a couple of weeks, then also got myself a quote for a new tattoo.

 

Those 2 weeks were like old times and my fondest memory of the whole trip. Getting pissed, watching England progress to the World Cup semi finals in British bars, riffing away and forgetting just how hilarious it was when we were all together. The two of them were accommodating as could be. With Al providing me bed and board and Dylan providing me some free counseling over some subjects I never even spoke to my therapist about. Those 2 geezers have sorted me out no end throughout my adult life and I’ve learnt from their mistakes as well as the advice they’ve given me, during my stay in Chiang Mai this was no different. Al especially though still the cynical, misanthrope he’s always been, he appeared to be a lot more self aware of the person he was. He weren’t trying to hide behind no veil and was honest and clearly ashamed of his actions towards other people over the last few years… Out of all the things I’m glad I did on my trip to Asia, I’m glad I got to ride with 2 of my best friends even if it was potentially one last time.

 

Final stop was Tokyo where a weekends camping on a Tokyo island with my old Hardcrew comrade Biggins was on the agenda. I’d always been very cynical about Japanese culture. Had always found many aspects of it rather creepy and felt the fact that they didn’t even acknowledge their actions during the war and the rest of the world apparently not caring about that was pretty wrong. So the purpose of my stay was to either justify or dispel my racism for the Japanese.

 

I’d met up with Biggins in the city centre where he was waiting with a can of strong lemon flavored lager – An 8% shandy that were a bit of an institution in the country and was to be my drink of choice for the rest of the weekend. That evening we were due to catch a night boat to one of the many Tokyo islands for the weekend with a childhood friend of his also in Tokyo, his Japanese girlfriend and a colleague of said friend.

 

Now as highly as I’d recommend a visit to Japan I will say one thing. Bring Money! Just having a meal at one of those sushi restaurants were you order the food on a screen and the dish comes whizzing round I swear cost me about 60 quid. Interesting experience, though I weren’t so keen on the fermented soybean or the mackerel livers.

 

We’d managed to get so drunk that the 8 hour overnight bus journey flew by in a black out. The island itself was stunning though the 38 degree heat did nothing to soften my hangover and this became an unwelcome theme for the weekend. Though despite just about escaping heat stroke the weekend of hiking, bike riding, hot springs, spear fishing, snorkeling and BBQ’ing with a crew of hospitable, funny people was a fond memory that will stay with me for a while.

 

Though I only had 1 proper day to explore the city itself I felt I made a good job of it, getting up early and heading to the gaming district with the most arcades and museums/mega stores of all the old gaming consoles. I had a flashback when I saw a Sega Master system in the flesh for the first time in over 20 years and saw a 5 year old version of your humble narrator playing Alex the Kid one Saturday afternoon, I had a similar experience looking at all the old Sega Saturn games I used to own. I spent a lot of time in the arcades themselves, most of which were 7 stories high with each floor devoted to different genres of games. I found myself playing this Japanese beat them up on story mode, which was pointless as I couldn’t follow any of what the story was at all. I also played a pretty terrifying 3-D survival horror shooter and later with Bigging we played Mario Cart Arcade, a version of Mario Cart which if you’ve not played then you’ve never experienced Mario Cart in its true form.

 

I went for lunch in one of those maid cafes were all the staff are dressed up as cutesy anime characters. I originally did it because I thought it be funny and it was, though looking around I noticed that indeed this was a tourist attraction but mostly so for families with kids, I also clocked that I think when given the spiel of etiquette by one of the servers I was the only one to get the ‘don’t touch the maids’ part. As I scanned the room noting I was the only single male dining in amongst families and groups of young people I knew what I must have looked like… and that was funny in itself.

 

Japan also has no shortage of sex shops, again some ranging 7 stories high. I couldn’t leave without buying something so bought myself an anime but plug as a souvenir. Later that night Biggins and his mate took me out drinking then onto a few arcades, later me and his mate went on a piss up in a series of alley ways made up of bars that could seat about 6 people at a time. We purched up in a horror movie one made up of hundreds of VHS tapes and old movie posters over the wall playing Brain Dead on the telly… It was a good way to see off my last night in Tokyo.

 

My brief time in Japan had made me see the country in a new light. Especially when coming from the rest of asia where the streets can be filthy and the roads lack any kind of law and order. All of a sudden you hit Japan and the place is spotless despite their being any bins, everybody waits at the lights, the drivers drive sensibly, public transport was on time even when it was early and society seems to function as normal. If anything it was one of the finest examples of collectivism working at it’s best. Also what I did find odd was that though smoking was not allowed on the streets, you could quite happily snout away inside wherever you went… crazy Japanese. Overall though it was great hanging out with Biggins again and once more I looked at someone who’d carved out a life for himself from teaching and was living one of the most exciting lifestyles out of anyone I knew from it. I also forgot what such a sound dude the geezer was and will welcome him with open arms when visits the UK again in 2019….

 

The rest of my time was spent in Madrid on route to BOOM but that’s a blog I promise I’ll write another time. If you’re still reading at this point fair play I’ll try and carry on with the theme of what I set out to write as I can imagine upon reading back that bit about me going travelling might have been a bit boring for some….

 

But I guess my final thoughts on my trip were this. Though I did have a lot of fun and saw and experience some amazing things and met some cool people, it was the hanging out with friends that made it the most worth it. At times there were many bouts of loneliness and anxiety and just generally not knowing where to go next where having a friend next to me could have helped. Also I think the amount of money I spent and the lack of actually needing or wanting a big get away meant that this trip was mainly just 4 months of me justifying being an alcoholic. All this being said I’m glad I done it and I’m glad I got to see some friends I wouldn’t usually get the chance to see living the lives they’ve made for themselves. I learnt that I’m a lot more introverted then I thought I was and also noticed that none of my anecdotes I bring to the table are in anyway family friendly – they all involve drinking and drugging to excess or some sort of depraved sexcapade. I also couldn’t help that think that maybe I was about 10 years or more just a bit too late to be travelling Asia. It all seemed to be done already, countries like Vietnam especially where you seemed very much catered for and there were companies and guides willing to take you on any adventure you wished to choose. Cambodia still appeared to have a hint of this left but give it a few years and it’ll be like a Chinese theme park. All this is funny because one of the themes of the book I read on my travels ‘The Beach’ was about how there was no new adventure to be had in Asia and that was set in the mid 90’s. If nothing else it was just another challenge that I completed successfully, it was just the adapting back to normal life that was now going to be the hard part…

 

I arrived back in the UK homeless and unemployed after a week stint at my parents place in Ireland. Last time I went away I knew I was coming back to a place to live and a job to return to, this time I hadn’t had such luxury and couldn’t help but think it be handy to have parents that lived in London so that I could maybe lay low rent free for a few months until life got back on track again. Luckily though I do have have a collective of friends who I do consider family in the UK and who were on hand to help me out…

 

The new tenant at Tilson House had recently gone away for a few weeks and lent me her room for the few weeks she was away. This gave me space to apply for work and get life back together, also luckily my old friend Del asked if I’d like to move into a gaff with him down in Colliers Wood at the start of October. So that was another weight off my shoulders, all I had to do now was find a job that could fund that as well as a stag in Barcelona that I had planned months before…

 

All these challenges on my plate wouldn’t have been able to have been completed if it weren’t for the support of my friends at Tilson house. Once again they took me in without asking for anything in return. Initially I had plans to hop over to other friends places to get out of their hair but for whatever valid reasons all these places fell through and couldn’t happen – Just one of those things. Yet despite all this Kush, Ness, Liam and even Jess who I don’t even really know but let me sleep in her bed for 3 weeks, ended up happily taking me in for almost 2 months and made me feel nothing but welcome and apart of their lovely home. Without them I would have been in a situation where I genuinely wouldn’t have known what I would have done. It’s just another of a long list of favors they’ve done for me out of the kindness of their own hearts and the loyalty of their friendship. Living in a country where my family are absent, where I don’t have that get out of jail free card having friends like these is absolutely priceless and something I am endlessly grateful for. For all of this it gives me great pride to give a collective ‘2018 Friendship of the Year Award’ to the folk at Tilson House… God only knows what I’d be without them.

 

This was supposed to be a blog entry about Women init? Well ok as I mentioned earlier I’d already been mugged off on my return by one bird but that same weekend I experienced another somewhat bizzare mugging off by another… Back during some late night drinking session in Otres I found myself in the midst of a very risqué drinking game with about half a dozen strangers. The basics of which was a card game were drawing a particular card would lead to a dear from the someone which involved having to send a text to someone from your ‘black book’ of contacts in your phone i.e the last person you slept with/dated/was in a relationship with… Luckily for me quite a few of the last people I’d slept with were friends of mine who know that my drunken use of a phone in a black out comes from a place of fondness for them so there was no real harm done on my part… One bird playing the game though did end up sending a dick pic of a guy she was fucking to her ex boyfriend. It was around about this time I thought it was time to retire to bed before things really got out of hand. The next morning as responses came through and I filled up with that all too familiar sense of dread of drunken fool I was the night before one of the responses was a positive reply from a missed connection the year before….

 

I don’t remember quite how we met or how we never did end up going on a date but she seemed to keen to get together once I returned. I even got a reminded from her whilst on the bus to BOOM and whilst I was in Ireland we chatted fairly frequently. Aware of my habit for booze I suggested that our first date be dinner and also just be a way of getting to know each other as I was sure I had some sort of engagement the following day. We ended up going for Sushi at a place on her recommendation in Camden. The date itself was a solid 7.5 out of 10 in my book especially as I was sober and could remember it all quite clearly. She was a sex worker and had been for the last 18 months and loved her work, styling herself as ‘the anal queen of London’, she was finding it hard to find partners outside of her work so that’s why she was in the dating pool again. She was also hot as shit, had a wicked sense of humor, a thick London accent, a love of the Simpsons and had a way with conversation that meant there was never a quiet moment during the date. She also paid for the meal, understanding my current situation and considering that due to the nature of her work she earned more money then me anyway. The date ended with me telling her to let me know when she was next free for us to meet again and she agreed with enthusiasm… I thought this was sure sign I’d landed back in the country on my feet. A hot, hilarious, sex worker who doesn’t mind flashing the cash on dates, can actually chat The Simpsons and is a self proclaimed professional in all things anal sex is someone I could see myself getting on very well with….

 

I then never heard anything again for a couple of days, then noticed that she’d blocked me from whatsapp, so I dropped her an innocent text saying I was game to meet up again but could understand if she was busy otherwise and still nothing. Usually a missed connection like this would send me spiraling off into a confused mood for some weeks but in this case it lasted just a few hours. I was too sober to have said something stupid during the date… maybe I was just an ignorant moron who thought of themselves too highly? Maybe she was just politely laughing at all the jokes I dropped and the stories I told? That is after all apart of her job… Maybe I am just boring? These thoughts plagued me for a few hours, then I remembered I was homeless and unemployed and had bigger fish to fry then pondering the 101 potential reasons why a woman who was more then likely just more focused on other things would want to get back to me. I had more important matters to attend to and within a few weeks after applying for literally everything I could find I was back in work.

 

In terms of sex this aint been the best of years of return. The majority of women I fucked this year had all been friends I’d nailed from previous years or the 2 trans women that I fucked off Tinder whilst in Chiang Mai and even they were both quick flings, but fun dates. I put it down to a combination of mixing in social groups where there aint many women that spark my interest, not being present on any of the dating apps much anymore and just generally not really having much drive to achieve such things. 2017 was a new record for shags and intimate connections and I still cant quite understand the reasoning behind this. All of a sudden women I considered mere acquaintances would message me out of the blue to hang out or women I’d meet appeared to just be interested in what I had to say to the point they wanted to fuck me… That’s not to say I didn’t totally try this year, there was the bird who I planned to meet up with once I got back from travelling who in which time had found herself in a monogamous relationship – it happens not much you can do about that. A couple of other women I’d been chasing for some time who clearly just either weren’t interested or had other shit on and again there’s not really too much you can do to dissect or learn about those situations then just accept them and move on.

 

Tinder is still a nice distraction and a way to kill time at work but then again it’s all too shallow and fickle to really give too much of a fuck. I’ll find myself chatting to one bird for a couple of days to the point of finding out when she’s next free only to have her stop replying to my messages, you cant really follow up a non response to a ‘how was your weekend?’ without coming across like a weirdo. Then when I would find myself going for drinks with matches our compatibility or lack of for that matter would make the date seem more like an interview then that of 2 people gelling in each others personalities. It’s just the way it goes.

 

Even in standard social settings the situation would just not be right. There was one evening down the pub when this cute number appeared to take a bit of an interest in me and Liam took on the role of wing man whilst we went out for a cigarette. Things seemed to be going well, when I asked her if she wanted to come to the afterparty with us she asked if there was going to be any hot single men there, I replied that I didn’t know but I was going and I matched that description, she then seemed keen but as the conversation continued dropped the line that guns down any chance of anything further happening ‘God I’m so pissed…’ I immediately lost interest and went back inside to finish my drink.

 

As you probably know 2018 was a year where a social movement actually did have some impact #Metoo did finally have the discussion of what was and what aint appropriate in the lexicon of nearly every conversation within every demographic of people that I knew. Powerful men then dropped one by one as past allegations of their creepy behavior started to pile up against them as womens voices were finally being taken seriously. This is of course nothing but a good thing that should continue for years to come as there is still a lot of work to be done. I know over the past year especially I have been more conscious the way I act around women and have even reflected on previous experiences where I probably was a total problematic arsehole. Now I don’t think there’s any bird out there who can chuck any serious allegations at me, but there’s certainly a few who could say I said something inappropriate towards them or maybe even made them feel uncomfortable and the thought of these make me want to smash my head up the wall. When I wake up the next day having sent a stupid and vulgar text during a black out to a bird I like I feel like such a piece of shit it haunts me for days… There’s blokes out there who do this on a regular basis and I really don’t understand what it is that drives them. It’s going to take a while for our stupid man brains to evolve out of the state society has molded them to be but the only way that’s ever going to change is if we the geezer take it upon ourselves to help further that change. Listen to the birds around us and empathise with their situations, because we do have it better then they do and it is us who’s keeping shit bad for them and it aint that hard to just not be a piece of shit really… is it?

 

 

If there’s one Woman I really did treat badly in 2018 and who my actions or lack of actions I should say haunt me with regret, it is for my friend Michelle, who towards the end of the year finally called time on the UK and made a break for Asia with the mindset being that she end up with relatives in Spain and finally pursue her dream of being fluent in Spanish. It’s been the last couple of years where the thought of ‘Fuck I should really call Michelle. Not spoken to her in ages’ would cross my mind regularly, usually at a time when I’d be at a rave and my thoughts were racing whilst dancing or when at a festival and I wish my favorite festival friend was there to enjoy it with me. But then when the time would come when I’d plan my weekend I’d just never get round to calling her. Whenever she’d invite me to an event on facebook in Brighton it would always clash with another plan of mine or I just didn’t have the funds to go on a jolly down Brighton. Other times she’d be busy with work or plans would just cave in for whatever reason.

 

But it was my conscious knowledge that I knew at times Michelle was in need of a friend that I never put myself forward to help that really fuels the fires of my guilt. I was always busy somehow, always some excuse from stopping me. Considering that Michelle had always been there for me when times had been hard was something I was also aware of and something that I know just adds to how much of a terrible friend I am.

 

What is odd is that any friend of mine or reader of this blog will know is that I have held Michelle with the highest regard for almost 10 years now. She even features in the ‘4 of the best I know’ Women addition from a few years back. Have a read of that to get a profile of what kind of character she is if you need to. So the reality that I’d be such a let down is something that baffles me but also confirms that maybe I am just a piece of shit.

 

Just before Michelle left I did finally set aside an hour to chat to her on the phone about her travel plans, how her summer was, how work was going and just shit in general. I did make plans to make it to her birthday/leaving celebrations and I was determined to make it but again the party itself ended up changing venues last minute and traveling there was bordering on impossible. When I tried to get in touch to meet up with her before she left she was working, then when I realised what date it was she was leaving… It was too late. I couldn’t even call her to say goodbye, and now she’s gone.

 

Michelle was one of the most special people in my life. She was immensely talented, broadly minded, filled with great ideas, was motivated to achieve and defied so many conventions. She’s a beautiful person inside and out and always gave everyone in her life a 2^nd chance even when they didn’t deserve it. Even being one of her friends I considered a privilege. I remember having a conversation with a mutual friend once – a wonderful spiritual Arabic girl – and she described how being one of Michelle’s friends was like being part of her collection as she clearly saw each and everyone of us as something special…. And just like that I let her slip through my fingers.

 

If I owe anyone an apology from 2018 its Michelle, infact my first resolution will be to write her an email and see what adventure she’s in the midst of and how I’m sorry for being so shit over the last couple of years. If you want to hold any example of me being a piece of shit against me this year, it’s the way I abandoned one of the most special friends I ever had.

 

 

October rolled through and I’d gathered up enough cash to drop on a deposit to move into a flat with one of my oldest and best friends. After 12 years of constantly talking on the phone it seemed only right that we live together. This was preluded by a stag do in Barcelona for my old school friend Jul. Though I couldn’t really afford a weekend away I was glad it was with the crew I went with. Knowing that our activities would include simply watching football, having a few drinks and eating tapas, whilst also just chilling at G’s place playing Xbox and watching comedy specials I knew it was going to be easy to handle and not the drug fuel sleep deprived weekend any other friends stag would guarantee. Granted I did get so drunk on the Saturday that the ensuing hangover meant I couldn’t help the rest of the lads in the Escape Room the following afternoon, I did make it out for dinner and a walk later and the weekend concluded with an innocent kick about on Barcelona beach. It was like old times and great fun at that.

 

Then a few weeks later it was Juls wedding, a wonderful day out in a beautiful Sussex countryside hotel. Jul had given me the honour of being one of his ushers and the event itself was a beautiful gathering an the most formal event I ever attended. It was during dinner whilst chatting with some of Juls relatives. Giving it the same routine that I’d given the past year. What I did, where I’d been, what my favorite place was, whack in a few more jokes and anecdotes that I knew would land and that’s Lahm Powder 101 covered. But as I performed this routine 1 more time and as I took full advantage of the free bar and kept the dancefloor pumping with Jul, his best man and my fellow usher it dawned on me just how fatigued I was from all this excitement… I needed some time off. Over the coming months I didn’t want to go out anywhere ns I didn’t want to see anyone so I logged off social media. I didn’t want to suck no ones dick, I didn’t want to see no ones pussy so I got off the dating apps. I wanted to hang out in my new house with my mate and watch films and play Red Dead Redemption 2. So that’s what I did.

 

The job I’d been handed out of nowhere turned out to be shit so I left to work for a portering agency in waterloo, this was all cushty until they dropped me unexpectedly one evening… I think probably because they realised my job was a doss and I actually weren’t needed. In this time I emailed my old bosses at my previous place, and they were more then happy to have me back. Within a week I had returned and everyone was pleased to see me. After months of relentless excitement, life suddenly had structure again… But weren’t this the problem in the first place?

 

I managed to see off the year in a state of moderation. I went on the Keto diet and lost all the weight I’d put on from 8 months of alcoholism and I’d managed to save some money which I did eventually spending on things I needed like new clothes, phone, laptop and settling a few old scores and so forth. But again I was stuck with the existential thought of ‘what now?’ Though my job is cushty it don’t pay enough, has no progression and I’ve returned from 2 sabaticals now I cant bugger off again and come back. I’m starting to question life in London more then ever. Although I’m very happy with my living situation – living with my best friend in an area I know well, but it’s expensive and I’m starting to wonder whether that expense is justified. But where would I go to?

 

If I was to leave London the only other city in the UK I can see myself in would be Nottingham. I have several different friends there, most notably a group of women who over time I’ve become quite close to. Most notably Rachel who over the last few years I’ve gone on several adventures with to Amsterdam, Berlin, Madrid and BOOM, both her and the rest of her mates are some of the most fun people I know. Give a fuck attitudes whilst also being friendly and adventurous. They are the kind of the people I could happily knock about with, also they’re all fit but that’s neither here nor there… But hey I’ve been disillusioned with London before and though a quick look at rent prices in Nottingham means that for the price I’m paying now I could pay for my own place with change don’t mean that jobs are as readily available for an idiot like me as they are in London.

 

Fuck me this is a long entry… Sorry if you’ve got this far and it’s been complete shit. I’ll wrap it up shortly…

 

I’ll save the most inspiring woman in my life for last and that person would be my lifetime best friend Lauren. Again Lauren appears in the ‘4 of the best I know’ addition of the Women entries so have a read of that if you don’t already know who she is. In brief Lauren was a close friend of mine I grew up with who I discovered raves with, she was the person who’d make the friends and I was the one who ended up keeping them. Whilst she went off to pursue a career as a ski instructor turned au pair over Europe I carried on doing what I was doing. So often quite a lot of time would pass without me seeing her but this did not effect our relationship together.

 

Over the years Lauren has faced some hardships in life, family break downs, piss poor relationships. But in recent years it’s been her health that has been a reoccurring issue for her to the point where she was has now been diagnosed with a form of arthritis which has basically fucked her. I never really fully grasped the full extent of the seriousness of said illness until I invited her to the 10th anniversary of the Bangface Weekender this year. Saying I had her ticket covered and fuck it it’ll be like old times. Me and you 10 years later! Waheeeyyyy!!! When she told me that though she was grateful for the offer but was to fucked up to take it up that it suddenly dawned on me the extent of her illness. She was unable to work and sometimes unable to get out of bed. She’s lucky to have a fiance in her life like Charles otherwise I dunno how she’d get about and get dressed. Despite this though, Lauren never really moaned about her condition or let it get in the way of her doing anything. Both her and her Fiance went to go live in Portugal for a bit but returned when things didn’t really work out.

 

Then at the end of 2018 Lauren was hit with the ultimate tragedy of them all. Both her brother who also was her best friend tragically passed whilst away on a summer season of his own. The event sent shockwaves through her family and my own and the family is often in my thoughts it’s Lauren’s strength through it all that has inspired me more then anything else I’ve experienced this year. Despite a life changing illness and a tragedy unlike any other Lauren is stoic in the face of it all. Carrying on still fighting, not moaning, not letting things get the best of her, just remaining the chilled out, yet strong, powerful, opinionated, passionate and determined woman that she is. When I’ve tried to put myself in her situation thats not something I could see myself being, it’s not something I can see anyone doing. Because of this she is the most inspiring woman in my life at the moment and someone I’m going to try my best to stay closer to over the coming years.

 

So plans for 2019!!!! First off I got a bit of a debt to pay off from my travels… Ended up having to borrow some money at one point and that needs tending to. But once that’s out the way I’m focused on putting on another Breakxit party. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt that I’ve enjoyed it’s organizing this event that people seem to really enjoy and it’s something that I really enjoy organizing. If I have any money and desire left over and all going well I want to then do a party in Hanoi, then once I’ve done that I want to start saving for my next big adventure which will be hitchhiking the states from east coast to west… Then once I’ve done that maybe I’ll consider growing up.

 

I’m also going to clean myself up a bit… It’s an ongoing theme with me I know but I should really curb the drink and drugs this year. I literally had a friend I quite liked say they didn’t want to be friends with me anymore partly due to how much of a drunken arsehole I was so that should be reason enough to probably curb it a bit… Also my reasons for getting wasted are starting to become more problematic… Anxious – get shitfaced! Cant sleep? dropped a xanax! Bored? Valium! Weekend to myself? Get a big bag of drugs and trawl Grindr and wank off for hours! None of it is productive or healthy and is becoming unnecessary if nothing more.

 

I’m still quite exhausted from 2018 so the absence of a woman or a partner for that matter still hasn’t had time to manifest itself as an issue. I’m still in the mindset that it’s kind of beyond my control if a woman was to come along and sweep me off my feet and change my plans completely or support me to achieve the goals I’ve set myself. It’s all a matter of me sending the most engaging message or sparking up the conversation with the right person at the right time and there’s only so much I can do to really orchestrate that happening.

 

I’m fatigued but I’m in a good space. Though I am holding out hope for creative flow to return and maybe a bit of extra luck in terms of a career prospect or a nice bird to come along and put a click in my heels again…

 

If you were to ask me where I was on my feelings towards women I’d say I was in a healthier space then I’ve ever been. Yea sure I don’t have a ‘partner’ as it were and some women have gone off the idea of wanting to shag me but that aint what anyone should judge their relationship with women on. I’m privileged to be surrounded by a variation of inspiring, talented, opinionated, driven, autonomous, hilarious, beautiful, give a shit birds who are always there for me, ready to bring up my mood, forgive me for being an arsehole and to often remind me that I’m not a complete piece of shit after all… To quote a good friend of mine recently she explained what someones attraction to me may be… ‘You are very unapologetically you… and thats what people love’… I liked that

 

I overcame a lot of challenges in 2018, there’s no reason why I cant kick arse in 2019 aswell

 

 

Take it easy lads. Look after yourselves and call that friend you aint spoken to in a while….

 

Happy New Year